You don't want to hide things from her but you're too afraid of losing her to make your mouth open and speak the horrible truth. You think back to your life a mere few months ago, and compared to where you are now it seems like you've just lost so much. //"Things with us have felt kind of... weird lately. "//\n\n//"I dunno. What is wrong with you? While you are far from enjoying, or indeed even really //coping// with the dullness of your job today, you seem to have slipped into a trance-like state of automation and time is nevertheless passing. Before you realize it, you've missed several days of work back-to-back, and now your boss //has// started to notice. You don't so much sit down on the couch as //sink into// it. As the second hour draws nearer, sure enough you find yourself getting anxious and jittery. You start convincing yourself that now that she knows everything, she's going to leave. They're one of the few that has a really good sliding scale fee system and won't charge you what you can't afford.\n\nI hope you're feeling better. How would you afford a house on that paycheck? In reality, less than half of depression sufferers actually seek treatment, for reasons such as lack of money, perceived personal failing, or public stigma. "//\n\n//"Sometimes, kind of. You are feeling kind of run-down, but you have been fatigued most of the time lately. You try to figure out where to start with how you're feeling, and are overcome with missing her face. Passing up the cheesy "to us" option, you say what's on your mind: letting go of your bad day.\n\n//"To tonight. During dinner, they all catch up and Malcolm talks about the amazing things he's done on the road. "// You set your alarm to go off a few hours before work with the idea that you'll come back to it then, and you go to bed early.\n\n<>[[Next.|totalDumbass]]<>[[Next.|tellThem]]<>\n\n<>
\n, You talk with your friend a bit which helps ease your mind, and you excuse yourself after a few minutes of banter. Trying to hide your struggles with your condition from your partner becomes more and more impossible, and you find that you lack many resources to properly deal with the situations that arise as a result. You considered leaving work early, but <>you've already had enough absences lately on the days you feel too crushed by the job to get out of bed and didn't want to risk it.<>the last thing you wanted to do was deal with your insufferable boss on top of everything else.<>\n\nYou're lost in thought on the commute home, and your feelings of frustration both with your life and the world around you build as you run into minor annoyances like someone bumping into you really hard as they walk by. //"We should hang out sometime."//\n\n//"Yeah. While the process of making the mold of your teeth is far from pleasant, the ordeal is over quickly enough and you leave with a thing that, if embarrassing, is at least supposed to help you sleep a bit better at night.\n\nNot long after, you wake up to find that you've ground a hole clear through it.\n\n[[Next.|,
\nA while back you and some of your older friends were out at a bar catching up. She informs you that this is a common train of thought that people who have begun using medication to help them manage their depression experience, and that you've managed to dodge a bullet because it generally ends poorly. I'm trying to figure this out as I go. They'd be crazy not to give it to you! You leave with a quick goodbye, and curse yourself the entire way home.\n\n[[Next.|copingMechanisms]]\n\n<>
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<>\n\nIt's a sunny Saturday afternoon.\n\nYou're in deep thought on the way home from therapy. \n\nYou shrug it off and wonder why they're looking at you like that, and forget it ever happened as your dishes arrive and you get lost in conversation with your friends.\n\nA little later, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and end up waiting in line for the single bathroom that the restaurant has behind the attractive stranger. \n\nYour mother turns to you and asks what you've been up to since you've seen them last. \n\n//"Well as long as you're ok honey..."// her voice trails.\n\nAs your mother returns to what amounts to more or less smalltalk, you realize that this part of the conversation has happened a lot recently - someone will express concern for you, or ask if you're okay out of seemingly nowhere. You know it's important to Alex, and you'd really like to see her. <>One of the first things she does is comment on how messy your apartment is. As you eat you start pacing around your apartment, heading past your bedroom in the process. "//\n\nConversation turns to other subjects as you stare at your plate. A myriad of feelings is boiling inside you - which one do you do you listen to?\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n1: Recommit to your relationship with ease and grow closer for the experience.\n[[2: End things for her own good. Out the living room window, you can see a gentle flurry of snow drifting down to meet the pristine blanket of white from yesterday's unexpected Christmas Eve snowfall, and you quietly laugh to yourself at how incredibly cliche it seems. \n\nAlthough you feel awkward about it, you talk to your older brother about how you're feeling and what your condition is doing to you right now. <>Alex knows you very well, but she still doesn't know about your condition. But you get the impression they don't fully understand you. He reminds you that you can call him any time that you need to let off some steam.\n\nYou say your goodbyes, and you find that even though you ended up in tears one or two times in explaining things, the whole conversation had done a lot to get you into a better headspace.<>\n<>[[Next.|medChat]]<>[[Next.|dinnerwiththeFolks]]<>\n\n<>
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